Interview: One-night stand

1

With some people, you’re just swimming in there, when you’re staring into their eyes. There’s the ease but also the challenge. It makes you obsessed. Being aware of someone’s presence. Why are we so connected and at one with some people and not with others? And how it can change… 

Maybe it's a chemical thing? Like ‘I’ve found my mate!’ 

At some point still during service, he was rolling a cigarette behind the bar and he poked his tongue out at me. We couldn't stop looking at each other. 

Riding on the back of his bike at night, I was leaning into his back and looking at the reflection of us in the car windows, just to see what we looked like together. He had one hand on the handlebars and the other holding mine on his stomach, and he was just stroking it as we rode along. 

Then there was a little bit of leaning into each other on the train.

Sitting on top of him and looking right into his face and not feeling self-conscious. Not knowing him or anything about him.

Everywhere he would put his hand on my body just felt right, I was sort of delirious but everything just flowed so beautifully. It wasn't just fucking. It was letting somebody in.

‘I'm flying.’

We were both really giddy getting dressed. 

‘Take your time, I don't want to rush you. Take your time.’

Then when I didn't hear anything I was distraught. But again, that was my experience, and what was it for him? 

It's really capturing my imagination. I think that's what this thing is.

I keep hearing a song I like and imagine playing it to him. 

It's night, and you’re both intoxicated. If we hadn't had sex, and left it at that, maybe he’d still be curious. 

Perhaps some things just work as a sexual exchange, you could not connect at all in conversation, so maybe it's good to not explore it in another way. 

You give different meanings to a touch if you find someone attractive. I was influencing my impression of him with my ideas, simulating this ecstatic exchange because of the attraction.

If he were to redo all of the exact same moments the specialness or ‘connection’ wouldn't be the same, because it's so much down to my input, because I’m such a dreamer. 

Sometimes I question if we are monogamous creatures. But it's really difficult not to have expectations. You want to have that pleasure again so you put your blinkers on and look at someone in an intensely blind, shiny way.  

2

With this other guy, it was a different form of attraction, I didn't feel it was intimate at all. I was just so aware of my body. It was like we were going through the motions of having sex, there was no reaction. I couldn't feel where he wanted to touch.

Are you thinking of something else?

Someone just lying on top of you and putting their dick into you, kind of like porn. Not intimacy. He made me feel very self-conscious, and by always bringing up the wild sex with his ex, I would think he was comparing me to her.

 I felt like I was performing for him, getting through and doing these things to get to the other part of being in a relationship. I liked the idea of him. I liked his story. I liked the things we did. But he didn't physically work me up. You kind of feel like you're living this pretence and you need to give them rational reasons for why you don't want it. 

3

When he was sleeping with other women he said he would think of me. He liked the way I touched him the best.

It's just playing. It's fun! 

After a couple of weeks back with my ex I feel he's not making so much effort. Caressing and stroking tickles him a lot. I feel I can't really touch him and when he strokes me I can tell he doesn't enjoy it. I can sense he's kind of faking it. I feel sex for him is something different than it is for me. There is a strain between us. I remember the sex between us was really intense at the start. He can make me orgasm but there’s something missing. He likes cuddling, but he will never kiss my neck. 

One of my favourite sexual partners, the sex was so fucking amazing. But he was a very dark person inside. He was infatuated with necks. He was kissing the back of your neck and you were just melting.

It's this complete giving yourself over and abandoning your body. 

Some of them just can't switch off, and you can tell when they're distracted. Be here with me, you know just like, stop thinking. Some people say I have a calming effect on them, letting their mind switch off. Am I getting used? 

4

I’m always on the lookout for that distraction. I want that dramatic, passionate thing. 

I find men’s intimacy insecure. I can't trust them, or imagine something long and loving and lasting. I'm not putting my thing onto someone. I don't want to solve it. If they’re there for you in that difficult moment. That touch. Words aren't necessary if you know you’ve got that person behind you. 

Some people, and you can see it in a lot of relationships, and I feel it myself sometimes, in my weaker patches, that I'm not attracted to the other person. I'm just attracted to the way they look at me. 

I go out with people the opposite of me because I admire them. I don't think very highly of myself, so when they're the opposite that's good, because they're not like me. 

We’re all longing for intimacy. It's not necessarily a partner, but feeling connection, feeling cared for, that feeling you get when you’re born and you’re held, and it's without language. You’re soothed through touch and being held from being a baby, and yes we carry that for the rest of our lives. With sexual experiences and chasing, so much of it is looking for comfort, because I can't find comfort in my own existence.